


Loved You First (Satisfied)

by Zairielon



Series: Play It Back [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda, Hamilton - Miranda (Broadway Cast) RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, John Needs A Hug, M/M, Songfic, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-03
Updated: 2020-07-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:49:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25052677
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zairielon/pseuds/Zairielon
Summary: John looked around the empty ballroom. It had been completely cleaned out and was waiting for its next party.Kind of like how he felt. Except... he would never have another party....John can only hold everything in for so long before he cracks. (Loosely based on Satisfied)
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler, Alexander Hamilton/John Laurens, Gilbert du Motier Marquis de Lafayette & Hercules Mulligan
Series: Play It Back [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814521
Comments: 8
Kudos: 95





	Loved You First (Satisfied)

**Author's Note:**

> In celebration of Hamilton's release on Disney+ today, here's some angst! I'm so sorry. I have a couple more ideas along the lines of this concept, so this might become a little series. We'll see. Enjoy getting your heart ripped out :'D

“Alright, alright, quiet, y’all!” Hercules bellowed, gaining the attention of everyone in the room. “Give it up for the best man - John Laurens!”

John grinned as he was met with thunderous applause. He climbed onto his chair and rose his glass to Alex. “A toast to the groom!” he began. Several people echoed his toast, and John realized he was going to have to make it a good one. Everyone was going to be copying him. “To the bride! From your best friend-” John swallowed as Alex beamed at him. “-who is always by your side. To your union!” 

Several people added, “To the revolution!”, which earned a few chuckles around the room and a scowl from Alex. 

“And to the hope that you provide! May you always...” John’s throat closed up on him, and he ducked his head. Just a few more sentences. Just a few more words and he was out of the spotlight again. Away from scrutiny. He lifted his head with a fake grin plastered onto his face. “May you always be satisfied!”

Eight hours later, John stood in the exact same spot, looking around the empty ballroom. It had been completely cleaned out and was waiting for its next party.

Kind of like how John felt. Except... he would never have another party.

He stood with his arms dangling loosely, the formal air he had kept up at the party long since discarded. His cheeks were pale, despite the alcohol he had consumed earlier in the night, (or maybe morning, since it was close to 3 am), and his hands were still.

He had tried to drink just a little too much. It hadn’t worked. He was dead sober. 

John inhaled deeply. He should just go back to his apartment and sleep for a few hours, since his life wasn’t going to stop on account of his problems. But the ache in his chest and the pressure in his head were too strong. So John opened his mouth and let his words spill out. He told the empty room everything he wished he could have said to Alexander’s face. Everything he wished he could have told him when he still had a chance.

“Do you remember the first night you met Eliza?” John croaked. It was the first time he had used his voice since the party had ended. “I do. But not the same way you do... I’m going to regret that night for the rest of my life.

John sighed, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. “Our friends were tripping over themselves at the chance to win some girl’s heart. Nothing new. But you... you were standing next to me in the corner of the room. I thought, maybe, that meant you’d rather spend the night with me than with some girl you didn’t even know. You looked... ethereal. The candlelight... I can’t explain it.”

John faltered as his mind raced ahead, presenting him with all his memories of that night. He didn’t want to go through it again. But he had to, or he’d never get rid of the ache in his chest.

“I’ll never forget the way you looked. Breathtaking, too thin for your uniform. But when you looked across the room at her... I’ll never forget your face. When you caught her eye, she smiled, and you looked like you forgot your own name. Probably forgot mine, too.”

John took a shuddering breath. He could picture it perfectly, he and Alex standing next to a table, Alex half-leaning on him as they gazed around the room. Then Alex had seen her. And everything had changed.

“Did you ever realize that you set me on fire when you looked at her?” John whispered, closing his eyes in an attempt to stifle his tears. “Everything that I thought was possible... Jesus, Alex, our friendship wasn’t a game!”

\----------------

“Who is that?”

John twitched, startled by Alex’s sudden question. He followed his friend’s gaze and frowned at the woman Alex was staring at. 

“I’m not sure,” he said slowly. “Why?”

Alex stared at the woman a bit longer, then glanced back up at John. “She just caught my eye.”

“Uh huh.”

“I mean it!” Alex said, whacking John’s arm with a slight grin. John wasn't able to quite return it, since his stomach was now too tight for him to feel genuinely happy. “Hey, Laurens, you alright? You don’t look very... happy.”

“I am,” John said absently. The woman was pretty. Was what why Alex had been looking at her?

Alex rolled his eyes. “Please. If there’s one thing I know about you, it’s that you’re never satisfied.”

John raised his eyebrows. That was enough to break him from his thoughts. He turned to face his companion fully. “I’m sorry, me?” he asked, slightly offended. “What about you, Alexander ‘I am not throwing away my shot’ Hamilton? You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Alex grinned. He leaned closer to John, his eyes dancing in the candlelight. “You’re like me, Laurens,” he purred. “I’m never satisfied.”

“Is that right?” 

“Yeah. I’ve never been satisfied.”

“Alex, you need to learn to control yourself,” John muttered. “Satisfied or not, you need better manners at a party like this. What are you going to say if someone asks you why you’re ‘never satisfied’?”

Alex waved a hand dismissively. He got closer still, practically resting his chin on John’s shoulder. “Unimportant, and you know it. There’s a million things I haven’t done, so I can tell your hypothetically curious person any one of them. And I can tack on a ‘just you wait’ if I really feel like it.”

John let out a breath through his nose. He tilted his head away from Alex and tried to ignore the way that Alex’s eyes bored into the side of his head. He tried to ignore the twist in his stomach or the clench in his heart. Alex had just had been fawning over that lady, whoever she was. He meant nothing by his words. They were just friends.

Friends. Hah. The word had never sounded crueler to John in his entire life.

\----------------

John squeezed his eyes shut tighter, and he barely managed to keep his tears at bay. His next few words came out in a frantic tumble, echoing the way he hadn’t been able to get his heartbeat under the control that night. Echoing the pain he felt standing where he was now.

“You never even realized how much you meant to me! Our very first meeting, you stole my heart. I couldn’t believe how similar we were, I’d never talked to someone like you before, it was... unreal. I felt like I was flying, Alex! We only talked for a couple of minutes, but we could have talked for hours. We have talked for hours...

“It was a dream come true. An intellectual dance, an argument, a debate. You were a flirt, and I loved it. I should have known better, but I was too happy, too... weak. Even your history was like mine. When I asked about where you came from, you didn’t want to answer. I didn’t push, and you appreciated it. We understood each other in a way I never thought would be possible me for me.

“God, Alex, you were so handsome, even back then. I just- I just wanted to believe that we had a chance. And I did, right up until-”

John finally ran out of breath, and he sagged under the weight of his memories.

“Right up until that night. Right up until I saw your face.”

\----------------

John had left Alex to get some drinks but had been punished for his choice. He was attempting to find his way back over to their little patch of wall, which was incredibly difficult with people shoving past him, dancing, laughing. But eventually, he did it, and he gave Alex a grin as he approached. Then he noticed that Alex wasn’t looking at him. He was looking at the other side of the room.

Confused, John spun around, searching for what Alex was fixed so intently on. He found her instantly. The woman Alex had been watching earlier. John’s stomach twisted, and he whipped back around.

Alex looked like he was in a trance. 

Part of John died right there and then.

He knew Alex well, probably better than any of their friends. And he knew Alex’s mannerisms. This woman had reduced Alex to mush. He looked... helpless.

And John knew that Alex would never look at him that way.

\----------------

“I realized something when I saw your face,” John whispered. He exhaled shakily. The tears were getting harder and harder to hold back. “Three truths, I guess.”

\----------------

“Laurens, where are you taking me?” Alex’s eyes were bright, but John now knew better than to get his hopes up. He had seen Alex’s face. His friend’s bright eyes, his wide smile, the way he pressed against John’s side as they walked, it meant nothing.

“I’m about to change your life,” John said, hoping he didn’t sound as broken as he felt. He had recognized the woman Alex had been staring at. He would be able to change Alex’s life.

“Well... then by all means, lead the way.”

\----------------

John tilted his head back, and he stared up at the ceiling high above him. Number one.

“I’m a boy in a world where I can’t love who I want to,” John said. His voice was shaking now. Just like the rest of him. “My father always wanted me to be the perfect child, so that’s the part I play. And I even if I could somehow slip out of his legacy, he’d never let me marry you. Another boy, and broke at that. We’d be broke together.” John heaved a hollow laugh. “Like that would make me want you any less.”

\----------------

“Elizabeth Schuyler,” the woman said. She curtsied, a slight blush dusting her cheeks. “It’s a pleasure to met you.” 

“Schuyler?” Alex repeated, giving John a surprised look. 

John could only offer a shrug. “Family friend.” 

\----------------

Number two. “I knew you were after her ‘cause she was a Schuyler sister.” John chuckled a little at the indignant expression he knew he would have gotten if he had managed to tell Alex everything to his face. “She’d elevate your status. I’d be naïve to ignore that. Maybe that’s why I introduced you to Eliza. Maybe I wanted to help you.” John rubbed his face with his hands. “Nice going, John,” he muttered. “You were right, Alex. I knew that you would never be satisfied.”

\----------------

“Thank you for all your service,” Eliza said, eyes shining. Alex looked equally as lovestruck.

“If it takes fighting a war for us to have met, it will have been worth it,” he said softly.

John swore he felt his heart crack right there and then.

“I’ll leave you to it,” he whispered, turning and hurrying away before he heard any more of their conversation. It was for Alex’s own good. It was. 

In the grand scheme of things, John’s feelings didn’t matter.

\----------------

Number three. “I know you better than I know myself, Alex,” John whispered. A watery smile appeared on his face at the thought. “I’ve never met anyone as ambitious or as driven. If I told you that I loved you, you probably wouldn’t believe me. You’d laugh it off, maybe, and the world would keep on turning. We’d still be friends, and I would say I was fine.

“I’d be lying.”

John suddenly wished there was a chair in the empty ballroom. The tremors that had wracked his body since the beginning of his speech were getting stronger and stronger, and he didn’t know how much longer he could stand on his feet.

“But when I fantasize at night, it’s you, Alex.” John choked out a laugh. “It’s always you. I obsess over that night, and I wonder what could have happened if I hadn’t made that decision so quickly. At least someone like Eliza’s your wife.” John squeezed his eyes shut. “At least I keep you in my life.”

John ran out of words. He stood, shaking, in the middle of the ballroom, eyes narrowed against his tears and mouth pressed in a thin line.

“To the groom,” he whispered. 

And he finally broke.

He collapsed to his knees, tears flowing down his cheeks and dripping onto the floor. His shoulders heaved with each breath he took; every rasping, dying breath. He grasped desperately at the floor, trying to find something to ground him.

John knew Eliza would be happy as Alex’s bride. Just as he knew Alex would be happy as her husband.

It was only John who would be left broken-hearted.

Sobs found their way up his throat. Alex would never know.

And John would never know that two people heard the entirety of his confession. They stood in the doorway, watching their friend slowly lose the battle he had been fighting with his heart. 

It hurt them to watch John go through so much pain. So much agony over someone who had never noticed, who would never know. Someone who would have reciprocated John's feelings if he'd ever said them out loud. 

When John collapsed, Lafayette’s shoulders sagged, and Hercules put a hand over his mouth. Both barely managing to keep themselves from running into the room and giving their dear friend a hug. After a few minutes, Hercules gently took Lafayette’s arm and nodded back down the hallway. John deserved to be left alone.

Lafayette nodded slowly. Together, they walked back down the hallway, Hercules’ arm around Lafayette’s shoulders and Lafayette leaning heavily into him. Both could feel the weight of John’s sorrow in the air.

Their hearts cracked as a grief-stricken howl followed them down the hallway.

“It’s not fair! I loved you first!”


End file.
